The Gospel According To Cheese (including the gospel according to
as written and interpreted by the Reverend C.S. Reynolds
1:1 In the beginning, there was blackness. And a great ball of
Cheese fell from the sky, and exploded in a sphere of light. And it was
1:2 The Cheese created life in Its' likeness, and scattered balls
of Cheese of various Kinds and Stages of Fermentation across the Universe.
And it was good.
1:3 The Great Cheese created dinosaurs, but they
started to eat each other, so It threw down a flaming ball of Cheese and
killed them all. And it was bad.
1:4 The Cheese created Cows, so Cheese
could be produced on Earth, and created Apes to change the Sacred Milk
into the Holy Cheese. But the Apes were too stupid to figure out how. And
it was bad.
1:5 The Big Cheese created the Process of Evolution, so the
Apes would transform into Man, and learn the secret of how to milk the cow
and transform that Milk into Cheese. And it was good.
1:6 On the
Seventh day the Cheese rested. On the first day of the next week, It
realized how screwed up Its' calander was, and that It had been working
for six days, and so rested again. It dedicated this day to the gathering
in temples to eat Cheese and drink Wine, but somewhere along the way Man
1:7 Man forgot about the Cheese, and found other
places to devote their lives and faith. The Cheese, feeling deserted and
dejected, flew from this plane and went into hiding.
1:8 While the
Cheese was hiding, Mankind became more and more confused, however
sometimes touching on the true being of the Sacred Gouda.
Christians discovered that Wind goes very well with God, because Wine goes
very well with Cheese. However, Wine is merely a representation of the
true sacred elixir that is Milk.
1:10 Eastern philosophies were a bit
more Cheesy. They brought forth the concept of Yin and Yang which, in
essence, is the true Cheese, combining the male and femals aspects into a
spherical form. They were also quite close in the naming of their deity,
and Buddha sounds much like Gouda. And if you remove two letters from
Gouda, you get God.
1:11 The Christians were convinced that there
existed a Supreme Evil. Thus, their unified thoughts created They Who Eat
The Cheese, Rats. The creation of the Rat mysteriously came about the same
instant that the organization of formal Government was created. Government
is supremely evil, and thus a manifestation of They Who Eat The
1:12 In India, they realized that the Cow is sacred, and eating
beef is sinful, unless it's on a Saturday when the Gouda will be asleep
anyway, and taken with Wine. However, combining the meat of the Cow with
its' Cheese or Milk would merely make a bad thing worse, as the Gouda
would awaken and strike thee down in a puff of foul-smelling yellow
1:13 The Gouda loves diversity, as there are many types of
Cheese, and welcomes us to do our own thing, lest we be used in a trap to
catch They Who Eat The Cheese.
1:14 The true son of God, a combination
of the Big Cheese and Man, is Cheese Bread--especially the kind that has
Cheese inside the Bread. Jesus Christ knew this, bud had no Cheese to pass
to his friends with the Bread and Wine when he said: "This is my body." He
figured no one would notice the difference anyway.
1:15 Spake the Gouda
unto his people: Life is a Pizza with everything on it. We are but mere
slices going through the wheel of life until someone eats our
1:16 Fish does not go well with God--though it goes well with
garlic--which is why Pizza with anchovies is supremely gross. This is also
why Government affairs, and the whole White House in general, smell
1:17 When we say "Cheese" for a picture, it is actually an
invocation of the Gouda, that It may join us, and smile upon us in the
1:18 Few people know the existance of the Big Cheese, and
sometimes don't know it when they do know it. Kurt Cobain was one of the
great prophets of the Gouda, and wrote a song called "Big Cheese." He was
later brutally slain in a great conspiracy by They Who Eat The Cheese to
hide the existance of the Gouda.
1:19 A great anti-prophet of Cheese in
a debate over the existance of a God once said: "If everyone believed that
the moon is actually a piece of green cheese, the moon would still not be
a piece of green cheese." It was determined that a Higher Power
did exist, thus everything The Prophet In Spite of
Himself said was wrong, and if the world believed that the moon was a
piece of Cheese, the moon would become a piece of
1:20 Thus spake the Gouda unto me.
The Gospel According to Hormel
2:1 They Who Eat The Cheese tried to mask the sacred goodness of the
Cheese by creating Velveeta. However, the Big Cheese retaliated and
brought forth Cheez-Whiz.
2:2 Hormel Chili goes quite well with
Cheez-Whiz, but is entirely different. Thus, Hormel is a deity in Itself,
and should be acknowledged as thus with the following prayer:
Oh ancient deity
God of Hormel Chili
Blessed be thy meat
With this holy spoon
Or this holy fork
Or this holy
Grant me the nourishment
of your sacred Beans,
And lead me
Into the realm of
They Who Cut The Cheese,
let no unpleasant
Eminate from my body.
Oh God of the Bean,
Fruit of the
Bless me with temporary sustenance,
That I may see the divine
In every can of Hormel Chili.
2:3 Any other brand of chili is of They Who Eat The Cheese, except
Staggs, which is a healthy substitute.
2:4 Thus spake the can of
The Gospel According to Peter Ryan !!NEW!!
3:1 Peter Ryan is neither meat nor